17 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn
By Dave Barry

1.  Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

2.  If you had to identify, in one word,
the reason why the human race has not achieved,
and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings".

3.  There is a very fine line
between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4.  People who want to share their religious views
with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

5.  And when God, who created the entire universe
with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity,
He/She WILL NOT use,
as His/Her messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6.  You should not confuse your career with your life.

7.  No matter what happens,
somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

8.  When trouble arises and things look bad,
there is always one individual who perceives a solution
and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.

9.  Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13.  You will never find anybody
who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14.  The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status
or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

15.  The main accomplishment
of almost all organized protests is to
annoy people who are not in them.

16.  A person who is nice to you,
but rude to the waiter,
is not a nice person.

17.  Your friends love you, anyway.
 

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